You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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