At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
