I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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