You don't have asthma, your pregnant
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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