please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize