I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
