Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My cat gives me a boner
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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