theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
