shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
