I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
