I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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