i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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