Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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