then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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