Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
