where does the pee come out of this thing
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
