judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
