you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
