Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
