Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
