All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
