when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
