she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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