evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
