when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
