Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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