the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
