Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
