My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
