Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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