you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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