GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We talked him into tasing himself.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
