Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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