My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I need to align my fucking chakras
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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