I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
