I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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