can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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