K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
