We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
