Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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