Apparently you make a good broom.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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