Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I am full of burrito and curiosity
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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