I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
