I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
