People in love make me want to vomit
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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