You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
