i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
