sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
