For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm bleeding and have questions
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
