Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just pee around me
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
