Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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