All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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