If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
