I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
